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[31 Dec 2037|11:45pm] |
so...
yes, i am alive.
i do have a markedly diminished web presence though. it seems my family has decided to use AOL to access the internet without providing me with a login or password of my own. i doubt any of you care about this, however.
things have been going quite well here.. i haven't been very social as of late but it has provided me with enough time to bang out a couple of pretty decent screenplays. i don't think i'll use them quite yet seeing as they are depressing to me. it's high time i started writing comedy...
echo, i hope you are doing well and keeping warm. i'm still working on a letter to send you...is the address you provided still correct?
i might be receiving a new cell phone around consumer day. as soon as this happens, i'll post my number for anyone who feels they want to contact me. i promise that if you call, i'll stay in touch with you.
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[31 Dec 2037|11:33pm] |
i depart tomorrow at 12 pm.
this is the hardest decision i have ever made in my life.
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[31 Dec 2037|11:15pm] |
i will not count her out of my life.. that would be murder. love is not to be destroyed so easily. i will always love her, i just need my time.
i need to figure out how strong i really am.
i also need to remind my little brother that creativity is much more fun than television.
she needs to learn how to trust me. if this relationship is going to continue, trust must be the foundation.
but for now...
This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land
Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah
...
This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end
It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die
This is the end
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[31 Dec 2037|11:00pm] |
very startling realization(s):
this is not 1969.
love brings more questions than answers.
hope still exists alone.
i'm leaving this city soon.
i can feel it, something--don't know what
...pulling me back.
it's not nostalgia, that's what kept me here so long.
i have met so many brillant people who have all told me that i need to develop myself alone.
i never believed them until this trainwreck--
this love,
this violence.
i saw her playing the game again for the last time.
nothing ever ends with a bang.
it's always a wimper, whispered words of hate.
this lovesick poetry makes my bile rise
fuck wasting any more time
if i want to fly, i'll flap these newborn wings alone
if i have to
i'll break their frozen tips off on the sun
i'll kill this life and find another one.
the only part that hurts me is the bliss
this idealistic ignorance
want to change the world?
make a decision.
life is pain, but that doesn't mean you still can't love it.
sing it, John:
God is a Concept by which
we measure our pain.
I'll say it again--
God is a Concept by which
we measure our pain.
I don't believe in magic,
I don't believe in I-ching,
I don't believe in Bible,
I don't believe in Tarot,
I don't believe in Hitler,
I don't believe in Jesus,
I don't believe in Kennedy,
I don't believe in Buddha,
I don't believe in Mantra,
I don't believe in Gita,
I don't believe in Yoga,
I don't believe in Kings,
I don't believe in Elvis,
I don't believe in Zimmerman,
I don't believe in Beatles,
I just believe in me...and that's reality.
The dream is over.
--What can I say?
the Dream is Over.
---Yesterday
I was the Dreamweaver,
But now I'm reborn.
I was the Walrus,
But now I'm John.
and so dear friends,
you'll just have to carry on.
The Dream is over.
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[31 Dec 2037|10:00pm] |
she swells and falls inordinate, a trance like daze with eyes that lie a thousand miles apart from mine.
she must have moved my countenance into that same summer's vault, all stained with blood and breathless ecstacy.
i, through violence writ these lines upon her forhead: praying for an answer to a question i know has none.
no one has ever captured me enough to feel the sting of my worst pressed against them. no one will ever find that secret place where pointy-topped pixies swish in warm milk and fatal fractal joy.
i am alone now, as i always have been. alone to wander sleepless through streets laughing at the irony of my own soul's will to search.
there is no love here, she is apart and only hasty shattered pieces remain--careful text and stale incense.
i wish that touch could not be remembered--pain and pleasure stuck hopeless now in the same vast grey goo of contemplation.
meditation helps, but only briefly--a drug that anyone can afford.
who am i kidding? i'll stop the pedantry... it only bores me to filter my mundane drama through the blinding light of your stained glass windows. she shut her eyes to me last night and pushed me out of our home--all because i caught her in a lie.
the money doesn't matter.. it never did. lies, on the other hand, do. lies are the fabric she sews about her shivering flesh to seal herself in the warmpth of selfish zen.
but i cannot hate her without loving her in the exact same moment. damn my faulty logic, my fool's long hair tangled about her summer flowers. the winter has come! why can't i bring myself to rip these decaying wisps of beauty away?
pain calcinates the soul. you sit and you burn..a slow fire that eats you from the inside out. i have tasted your fire--wicked tantilizing girl, evil eyes thrown playful into the infinity of mine own. i have felt her quiver, i have held her close when all the world seemed so vast as to smash her twinkling soul to bits. i have watched her vomit wretched overstimulation--holding the bucket with a strong hand and a clear heart.
who is she kidding?
how dare i sit idly by as my youth is balanced on her puppetstrings? how can she justify this? yes, i have dealt her pain, but i have gladly paid the price! haven't i also tried so hard to keep a place for us to wring our violence out in peace?
--yet she prefers the cold streets and mirrored boots of strangers, the idle talk of god and joyless sex.
why?
"a silk impression of his wife which he ate and donated to the national trust"
i have tried--venturing on my own to see if anyone could find in me the spark she saw before i even had the eyes to know it. oh they were all pretty, neon girlies prancing pretense and smelling of the finest pressed flowers. i could never eat her whole, gagging on the infinite, i stumbled and fell before these laughing nihilist barbie-dolls.
i don't want artifice. i want reality. i want intensity. i want one and one plus love make three. i want something i can believe in, something tangible, something beautiful and naked, two flowers fucking before the eyes of god.
i know she wants these things... but there's a catch 22 hidden deep within the psyche of this woman, a crutch she leans on with unsteady grip...
can i truly understand a person who can lie, and while believing in her own lie, also know that she is lying and experience the emotional rammifications thereof--in the same instant?
can i deal with a madness, like a spinning yin/yang of desire? will she ever have her fill?
i have thought long and hard on this, and i am now certain: i believe in monogamy. i do not believe in the bullshit that surrounds it--religion, patriarchy, lies, taboo. i believe in nature's purest form of monogamy, in the animals who choose to mate for life simply because that is what they feel they should do. many neo-minded faux prophets will argue against this ideal-- screaming through pedantic fog that i am merely a child, still stuck in the "larval mindset" that tv programmed into me.
all i know for certain is what my heart tells me. call me a romantic, call me a fool, call me a liar, call me a theif, call me a pervert, call me a fucker, call me a man, call me a lover, call me a husband--but always, always, call me by my true name.
echo, if you believe in us you must understand the compromises i have already made for you--personal, ideological, and spiritual. you must understand that you cannot bake a krsna cake of me and eat me greedily while also growing fat on the complements of others. i must draw a line. you say you have compromised so much for this, but what, may i ask, are those compromises that you speak of?
your lies keep you from compromise, your lies keep you shielded from the purity you seek...
i will not try to psychoanalyze you. that is your fortee. i can only tell of what i see, the truth, the blinding realization that you are an actress in a world where lines need not be written at all. perhaps a fear of ennui?
no... i'd have to say you suffer from a fear of your true potential. i know this because it is what drew us together into this firestorm of a relationship in the first place.
goddamn it, i miss you. i am a fool. if your arms were here right now and open to me, i would give you anything.
argh fuck hell...i want to grow strong with you, not alone!
why do you keep breaking my heart?
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[31 Dec 2037|09:02pm] |
i was going to post some photoshit i have been doing, but it seems echo decided to post them in her own journal.
my recent photoshop work
my ego is still not speaking to me for this.
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[31 Dec 2037|09:01pm] |
i can only get stronger...
oh, and i think i will be adopting a kitten soon.
!! !
meow
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[31 Dec 2037|09:00pm] |
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so...
things are getting better.
i have finally procured a job as a baker, which starts on wednesday. i do not have a phone right now because some jerk strongarmed it from me on state street. i do have an email address if you, dear reader, wish to contact me:
himynameisdavid@gmail.com
right now my psyche is at war with itself. i do not know wether to tuck my tail in and move back to florida for a complete life renewal, or tough it out here. echo has been seeing some other guy but she still tells me she wants to stay with me forever. all i know is that our rent is due, she doesn't have a job, and i hardly see her except for when we are both on drugs or she is too sleepy to go anywhere else. hell, lately she's been sleeping at what's-his-name's...
but i am rambling.
the real issue is within myself... do i really like it here? is it worth it to continue on what seems to be a neverending roller coaster ride of drugs and drama? what is my purpose in this life and will i accomplish this purpose with echo?
i don't know anymore. i am so scared and alone right now, standing in a group of people at the student union knowing that they all aren't worrying about anything close to what i am. i don't want to be homeless in a madison winter. the cold is already here, leaching into my spine, killing my idealism. i just want some stability from this life.
yesterday i nearly overdosed on dxm pills and i spent all day barely able to walk around this town. every person i saw was a pointy-headed manequin, projecting their perfection right in my face. i threw up at a friend's house and spent some time there just to keep my mind under control. nothing productive happened.. i was too fucking out of my skull to even put pen to paper. what's the point anymore? who will actually read the shit i've written without any credentials to back me up?
let's face the facts. i am a college drop-out mumbling acid prophet trying to live some anarchist lifestyle in a country dedicated to the Allmighty Dollar. i don't even take myself seriously anymore.
Andrew, if you are reading this--i want you to know that i had a dream about an email from you last night and it comforted me. i also want you to know that life is a shit sandwich with piss and pickles. oh, there is still love, it's still there somewhere... this idealism, the big cherry pie in the sky when you die.. yes it's still there, somewhere beyond the crumbling bricks of every city, the knives and guns and bullshit. thank you for holding out one kind hand in a world of cold stares.
i think i'd better leave now.. the cops are eyeing me.
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[31 Dec 2037|08:59pm] |
still jobless. still cold. still sick to my stomach.
still gangster.
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[31 Dec 2037|08:58pm] |
i got fired.
haw haw haw hwa hwah awh awhawhawh awhaw hwhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
GOODBYE !
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[31 Dec 2037|08:57pm] |
i don't understand why there are still thinking people in this country who see a difference between democrats and republicans.
maybe it's one of those cognitive dissonance things...they just can't believe that no matter who they vote for, they're fucked.
blah. i have been rather depressed lately. perhaps i am jealous of echo's innate ability to attract people to her. i, obviously, do not share said skill. therefore, i spend most of my days alone and depressed as she cavorts around with whomever she runs into.
christ, there is a part of me that really hates my life--a large part of me even questions why i so doggedly attempt to exist.
i haven't even written anything substantial in the past two days...
alhjaw;bjaweuio;gabh;sldfjkahs;eruoahse;ashdf;asldjiweiubv
asdi;ouasdgf;
bye
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[31 Dec 2037|08:57pm] |
| Your Career Personality: Original, Devoted, and Service Oriented | 
Your Ideal Careers:
Art director
Book editor
College professor
Composer
Film director
Graphic designer
Novelist
Stage actor
Psychiatrist
Writer |
look out lardflow, here i come!
in other news i have been terribly lonely as of late. it seems i moved to a state with someone who prefers to spend the vast majority of her time away from me.
i have been writing a lot lately, just not in this thing.
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[31 Dec 2037|08:56pm] |
thinkingof..
krsna chants with hiphop beats superimposed..
feeling quite well, thank you very much.
i love echo
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[31 Dec 2037|08:55pm] |
I disagree.
My Personality
| | Neuroticism | | Extraversion | | Openness To Experience | | Agreeableness | | Conscientiousness | |
i agree!
My Personality
| | Neuroticism | | Extraversion | | Openness To Experience | | Agreeableness | | Conscientiousness | |
..so who's crazy?
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[31 Dec 2037|08:54pm] |
私は私が公正な私が常に望まれて私の完全で創造的な安定した状態を妨害することを乱暴に試みることだったことをそれ(またはsomesuch) に作った少なくとも今理解するなければならないがことを私が私のケーキをことを知り。私は持っている限りそれのよい仕事、余りに私のbullshit をのための我慢する為の感謝をした。私は私があなたとの生命であることの価値がある再度、または何かは知っている、krishna の寺院に再度群がる私であるかもしれない私の生命の何かを作るまで私が自分自身によってしばらく行うことをなるだろうことを推測するか。私は allofthat は起こった後私ステップの昨晩震えたりそして恐れているモデル時、私はちょうどただ私を魅了し始まった私のおいしいlovey のミルクのcasey が付いている私の暖かい巣でもどって来たいと思ったが、種類はの私を悩ますことを知っている- 彼の欠陥でないが、彼のまわりのあることは私があなたのまわりにない、travellerkid の物語は不足分の後のボーリングを間、得、はすウサギフィートまで測定しないという事実を私に思い出させ。そう、ええ、私はいかにきちんと許可する彼を把握することを試みて、私はそれをいつか今日して、それから私は自分自身によって(行うよく、静かなkrishna およびaHrt 、およびあなたのためにそしてあなたからそしてあなたについて作るべき芸術があり方法で私の継続的だったexistance を助ける私は仮定し、) 私を信頼するあなたのための待ち時間は再度私の唯一にくらげ愛鳴くi である
I understand I desiring,
fair me always me being complete,
it disturbs a creative
it is stabilized
state
to try the fact that roughly is the っ
callous which that (or somesuch)
it made now
when at least you must be,
but thing me my cake knowing thing.
If I have,
the work where that is good,
you appreciated in order to be
patient
for my bullshit excessively.
As for me
there is a value of the thing where I am your life,
until what of my life perhaps for the second time,
or something,
it is I whom you have known,
crowd for the second time in the temple of krishna,
is made it presumes
that doing for a while
me with by my it will become?
As for me as for allofthat after happening,
last night of my step
it trembled
and/or and at the time of the model which is feared,
I fascinated me exactly
and simply it was the nest where I where casey of the milk of lovey
where
I
who start am tasty has been attached
am warm it returned and thought,
but you know that type bothers me, -
it is not that defect,
but as for having around that I is not around you,
as for the story of travellerkid
the boring
after the shortage between, profit--
the fact that to the rabbit feet which are done it does not measure in me remembering.
So, it can obtain,
as for me trying the fact that he who how is permitted securely is grasped,
as for me today
doing that once upon a time,
then I (do with by my, I who help existance where the art which is good,
it should make quiet krishna
and aHrt
,
and because of you and concerning you from you me is continuous with method of being suppose)
waiting because of you I am relied on is i where my only jellyfish love you
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[31 Dec 2037|08:52pm] |
i have created all of my problems because of a subconscious need to fulfill my cynical view of the world.
so--i must continue to face the world as it is and smile, and eventually i will realize completely that my perception creates the world i live in.
it's amazing how fortunate i am right now, and i am thankful for every moment.
i love you, echo.
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[31 Dec 2037|08:52pm] |
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at first i was inspired
now i'm sad... and tired
should i go?
am i right for this life i've chosen or am i just doggedly following through with a decision i've made fearing the failure my life would become?
i don't even know anymore. ...
i know there's no rock in the sky with my purpose in life carved on it, but goddamn if it wouldn't help just a little bit.
sigh.
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[31 Dec 2037|08:51pm] |
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o;ishdg;ashd;aosdhk |
] |
STUPID
STUPID
STUPID
STUPID
STUPID
stupid fucking hypocrite, yes me, that's right. stupid fucking stupid emotional drainage ditch. the garbage floats it seems--always the garbage, always the negative and angry, stupid stupid shit. worthless whining and now--
eyes. eyes fucking watching me and judging--fingers too polite to point. the eyes are the worst: the concern, the lack of background on my situation--let's all judge me and expect me not to run away fearing nervous breakdown. who was i to think i could lead a life in the public eye? they kill me, those fucking eyes. i know i deserve them but i can't say anything, none of my words work and i am driven back, driven away by my neurosis.
fucking so stupid!
god my heart is pounding and i feel cold because of those eyes and my lack of tact. why do i have to ruin everything?
when does it get any easier? oh wait, it never is, you just have to remember to take the chanllenge well. fucking stupid fool me never learned how to live with people. a truly vaulable skill, living and understanding the emotions of others, working with them and not butting heads.
i'm just so tired.. so fucking tired.. yeah that's my excuse. it's not her fault she wants to help everyone, it's my fault that i am not on the same level. who cares if random people come and sleep on my bed? that's not the reall issue.. i was just so tired, in the middle of sleep. i heard the bell and i answered and i thought it was her but no, it was just another responsibility. why??
because. because because the world is hard you have to smile. because the world is haaaaaarrd jesus i want to hear that song right now that would be nice, just a nice song to hear instead of these people. they are looking at me and forming opinions and some of them are even smart enough to know how i feel. that's the problem with my face, i never learned to control that either. so everything i feel, whether it will hurt the feelings of others or not, is written all over me.
she can always read my mood, even when i wish she wouldn't. she is so sensitive and i love that about her but i can't control myself sometimes and it kills her. i am such a fucking drag. we are supposed to travel, but do i want to travel with him? no. ok i said it. no. i don't like his eyes--his cool trained eyes and his nonchalant face. i hate people who are nonchalant all of the time. why? why do you have to make people like me seem even less in control without saying a word?
his intentions aren't bad though.. but i wonder. i think and i wonder and i put together insane conspiracy theories that even impress her. she calls me brilliant. she calls me a genius. i would trade 30 IQ points for an end to these crippling neuroses.
yes i know what you are thinking, why am i still reading this? yes i know i am bitching and we all have a sad story to tell. yes i know my personal hell is of my own creation, yes i know that life goes on and yes i know that with the right amount of meditation and 3 easy payments of 29.95 i can buy your zen.
but goddamn it i need to vent ok? is that ok? really. can i just type mountans of text about myself?
of course, what's a blog for. but there are so many more important issues fucking just waiting there starving and bleeding to death and i am just talking about myself.
everything would be ok if i were just hard-wired into the same idealism that she is. i just don't understand it sometimes. i just don't get it, i don't want to be jesus christ. i want to help but it's people i just can't stand. oh john, what happened to you john? look what happened... some fucking zealot shot you in the head john. you didn't even die at first, you suffered. john, what do i do? where do we go from here? did you even know? were you tired.. did you loose your faith?
3 years.. seems like 30.. is that you john? i need a role model that didn't get shot in the head. that would make me feel better. but at least, for now, things are ok. can i go back? will i face the croud again? why can't i have more tact? i didn't want her to cry, she's so sensitive and caring. god damn me and my bullshit!
i have to go back. i have wasted enough time and there is probabaly somebody standing in the que thinking " what does this hippie-wannabe think he is? jack kerouac on bad acid? is he writing a fucking novel or what?! get the fuck off of our free internet, jack. come on..."
oko ok okokokokokokokokok already!!
just don't fucking stare at me!
love,
-the fool
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[31 Dec 2037|08:50pm] |
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Every time you buy an ironic anti-American tee-shirt, a (r)evolution loses its' wings.
.
we're all stuck you know? nobody wants to be a part of a fascist regime--it just happens. you think--"i can still bitch about it in my blog" but who cares really? your friends? hell, you don't even see them anymore, you're too busy jacking off to new and innovative ways to stuff god-knows-what in to every orifice on the human body. you think you're "ironic" but deep down you're just bored. it's easy to live the middle class lifestyle--just stop caring. and that's exactly why they have won. and they will continue to win until you, me, we, all of us remember that all life is beautiful.
and revolution is a part of life. but why give up the comforts that a fascist regime provides? you can even trick yourself into thinking that america is ok, you know, it's not that bad, we can vote for a new guy--just watch lots of television. you'll find yourself calling women "broads" and constantly craving some kind of moving image before your eyes. books will seem alien to you--or, even worse, DATED. who wants to read what smart asses have to say anyway? give me my titties and beer.
get me the hell out of here.
but please, for the love of All, don't call me a hippie. don't give me a label and don't sell me to scene kids. just listen... and argue when you think i'm full of shit. learn and think and create. throw out your television, pick up a goddamn book. if you think you've read them all, write one.
stagnation is death. if you are smart enough (and we all are, deep down) to realize this, you are probably craving change as much as i do right now.
it's not easy--but it's new. much newer than your ipod and your videogames. much newer than that new series. it's poetry, it's madness, it's love and hate and all of those powerful emotions that american culture purposely dulls in you. it's the face of god's thousand names. it's the energy that we all have, the amazingly explosive energy that can reshape the world.
it's the reason you are so goddamn bored right now!
we all have so much potential for change.
(r)evolution
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